Saturday, July 1, 2017

About That Brain Tumor...

I'm not sure where to start. The thing is, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. , an acoustic neuroma. What that means is that he had a tumor that started in his ear canal. But it got worse. A lot worse, over the course of several years.
     Despite all of the symptoms, every doctor missed it. Despite all of those MRI's, they missed it. Finally, all of the symptoms added up to a doctor ordering a very specific MRI.An MRI with contrast. And that MRI with contrast showed a large tumor on the right side of his brain stem.
     I, WE, could have been angry. We could have been scared. We could have been, I don't know...Overwhelmed? We definitely were overwhelmed, but mostly, we were shocked. There were the questions, the conversations, the tears. So. Many. Tears. He was scared,I was scared. The family and friends we told were scared.
Eventually, we saw the doctors. Apparently, the BEST doctors-ANYWHERE. He was referred to doctors who were the doctors who teach other doctors how to deal with the specific type of tumor he had.
 (hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul...*)
     How do you deal with hopeful after hearing how hopeless things are?
I'll tell you how: very cautiously, that's how! Because when someone tells you that you might die, or that someone you love might die, things get real. Really, really, real. Suddenly, you're the adult you never wanted to be. You're the adult who deals with the stuff you thought you never would.
     And then the day of the surgery is here, and you have to deal with the 547 relatives friends and coworkers who c.a.r.e. about you. Phone calls, texts, in person conversations. The truth is, you have no idea what you're doing or saying.You will never remember what you said or did during those awful days when you had to deal with mortality. You prayed. Prayed more than you ever have, ever. People say they're praying for you and you say that's great, please do. You're living in that place where prayer is the only thing that matters.The ONLY thing that matters. Because suddenly you know that GOD is in charge, and you have no control over anything,
     And then  you wake up. Because the surgery is over , and the man you love is STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
     You get to see and talk to him again!!! And hold his hand, and take walks with him, and have
deep conversations with him. And ask what he wants for dinner, or what he thinks about your outfit. And then you go to the bathroom and cry, because you tried really hard not to do that before the surgery,or in front of him,  when he could see you, because he had enough to deal with.
     and then you fallonyourkneesandworshipGOD, because HE is faithful!

And finally, f.i.n.a.l.l.y. -life continues, and you are in awe , on a daily basis, because, apparently, God cares about you personally. You don't know why. All you know is that you are grateful. So, so, so, very grateful.
     And life goes on.
Life. Goes. On.

     *Emily Dickinson, 1830 - 1886. Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm.