I read a hilarious blog post, with the above title. http://heartkeepercommonroom.blogspot.com/2007/07/collected-rules-my-mama-never-told-me.html
Check it out if you have kids, and in the meantime, here are some of my own:
1. Don't put the cat on the vibrating chair. Again.
2. Don't unscrew things you are laying underneath.
3. Don't tell the person on the phone that Mommy's going potty and she really stinks.
4. Don't tell the pastor what Daddy said when the guy in the red truck cut him off.
5. Don't tell the pastor anything Daddy says while he's in the car.
6. Don't tell anyone at church what Daddy says while he's in the car.
7. Don't repeat anything Daddy says, ever.
8. Now that I think about it, you are not allowed to speak at church.
9. Unless you have to go potty, now.
10. Kitty doesn't need a bath, and I don't have the money for another emergency room visit, so don't give kitty a swirly, please.
11. Kitty does not like playing yo-yo, unless he is not the yo-yo.
12. Don't read any magazines your friend has to sneak you into his dad's backseat for.
13. Don't do anything the friend with the magazines tells you to do.
14. Don't make up stories at preschool, no matter how good you are at it. ("No, Miss Kimberly, I do not let William play in the vacant house down the block.Those scratches are perfectly explainable. You see, we have this cat, and he really really hates the vibrating chair in the living room...")